The Lion, The Dog and The middle monkey

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly, "Mmm...that was delicious lion meat!"

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks...I better leave while I can."

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, "Get on my back, we'll go get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, "Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!"

Bill & Bob

Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work. He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and it chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ahhh, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.

A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again but this time it chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. A few hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ahhh, the miracles of modern medicine did it again!" says Bob.

A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close but this time it chops off his head. Bob rushes over, puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. Three hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room.
He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it."

Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have saved him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?"

The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

A man, a sheep and a dog

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "

The Married Couple

A married couple got into an accident and the husband's face was badly burned. The doctor told him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling", she replied. "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The Epic Old Man

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he
pointed out the location.

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it
to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers
given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up
and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and
yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!"

The Moaning Man

why did you have to die?

A man was at a grave yard.

He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"

A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"

"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by curiously.
"He was my wife's first husband!"

The Third Guy

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for an orientation session. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy responds: "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man".

The second guy says: "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow".

The third guy thinks for a while and then replies: "I guess I'd like to hear them say 'Look - he's moving!'"

The Einstein's chauffeur

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speech-making.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

The Little April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. 

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT "F" THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!" 

The Son

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home! 

The Half Wit

A man owned a small ranch near Sheridan, Wyoming. The Wyoming Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board.

But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.

"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.

Just for fun: The Best Divorce Letter

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

——Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

The Clever Man

One day while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,

“Why are you crying.”

The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord then went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

“Is this your axe?”

The woodcutter replied,

“No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.

“Is this your axe?”

“No.”

Again, the Lord went into the water and surfaced with a iron axe.

“Is this your axe?”

“Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to be his own, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river; when he cried out, the Lord appeared again and asked him why he was crying.

“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river.”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.

“Is this your wife?”

“Yes.”

The Lord was furious,

“You lied to me, that is an untruth!”

The woodcutter responds,

“Oh forgive me my Lord, it was a misunderstanding…if I had said ‘no’ to Angelina Jolie, you would have come up with Cameron Diaz, then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I said ‘yes’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and that’s why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.”

Just for fun: Dirty old man

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up, he said... "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

Some old men can still think fast.

Just for fun: The Loan

An old guy wanted a loan for $500.

The banker pulled out the loan application.
"What are you going to do with the money?" he asks the Indian.

"Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral," replied the Indian

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.
"Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes. 1949 Chevy pickup," replied the Indian

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse," replied the Indian

"How old is it?" the banker asks.

"Don't know, has no teeth," replies the Indian

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.
He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said.
He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asks.

"Put in hogan", replied the Indian

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," the banker asked.

"Don't know deposit," replied the Indian

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.
Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk and asks the banker...
"What you got for collateral?"

Just for Fun: The Drunk

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife... "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here... on the swing," replied the drunk.

The Housewife

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Atheists & Believers

There was an atheist living next door to an old woman who was a Christian.

Everyday he could hear her praying and praising God for all of the things He had done for her. One day the old woman fell on hard times and she had no food in her house.

The atheist overheard her praying to God to please send her some food. So, off the atheist goes to the grocery store, thinking he was gonna fix the old gal once and for all. He bought two bags of groceries and, after placing them on her porch, he rang her bell and then hid in some nearby bushes.

When the old woman came out of her house, she saw the bags of groceries and started giving thanks to the Lord for sending her the food.

At that point, the happy atheist JUMPED from the bushes and shouted, "AH-HA! The Lord didn't send you those groceries! It was I who put them there!"

Without a pause, the old woman shot back, "PRAISE YOU, DEAR LORD. NOT ONLY DID YOU SEND THE GROCERIES, BUT YOU MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"

Kids Phew!!!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Just for fun

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Just for laugh!!

In an alcohol factory as a regular taster died, the director started looking for a new one to hire. One day a drunkard with ragged and dirty look came to apply for the position.The Director of the factory wondered how to send the fellow away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink and asked him to identify the drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"Well that's correct", said the boss, "bring him another glass..."
He tasted the second one and said, "It's red wine again, cabernet, eight years old, a South western slope, oak barrels."
"Correct." The Director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something on the sly. She brought in a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the second month..... and if you don't give me the job I'll tell you who's the father."

He was instantly hired ...

Definitely awkward.

Awkward it is.

Never. Ever.

Never.Ever.

REPLAGARISEARCH

That's what it is.

EMINEM IT IS!!!

I'AM NOT AFRAID!!!

Damn you!!!

Damn you people!!!

Common sense it is.

True Story!!!

BURN!!!!

BURN!!!

Well definied

Accurate

5 minutes please!!!

Yeah!! Sure, no hurry...

Witty High School Grad Speech

Damn you!!

SHIT!!!!

Sarcasm it is.

Yeah, That's right.

Well, that's something.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."