The Soldier

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.

So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General''s voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.

The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.

"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.

"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."

The Pet

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”

50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”

The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

The Bunny Story

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road.

Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. Once the man knew what had happened, he quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, laying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter bunny.

The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter bunny!"

The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertable. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.

The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter Day, and it's all my fault."

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"

The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

When Pope drives

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the chauffeur notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the chauffeur, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the chauffeur, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the chauffeur gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried chauffeur, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my licence," moans the chauffeur.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief. 

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. 

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" 

"No, I mean really important," said the cop. 

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" 

Cop: "Bigger." 

Chief: "Governor? 

Cop: "Bigger." 

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" 

Cop: "I think it's God!" 

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" 

Cop: "Well for one thing, he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

Drunk Driving

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”

“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”

“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

The Landlord

“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob.

“Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.”

“So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated.

“Oh it’s really terrible”, said the man starting up again, “why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.”

“How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his check book.

“Well,” said the man breaking down once more “they are my tenants.”

Indian parents logic

Summer Day

My grandfather, Joe Estrada, was a well-known carpenter in the Houston area who built many houses over the years. Occasionally when things were slow he would work on apartments as well.

One hot summer day on an apartment construction site, he felt the "call of nature" so he headed for the nearest porta-potti, which happened to be standing smack in the middle of a large open area. Unfortunately, once inside the heat became unbearable (did I mention this was Houston, in summer?), so he decided to prop the door open and let the breeze help keep the temperature down.

Finding nothing nearby, he went over to the trash piles and picked up a brick, then headed back to the potti. As he was about to re-enter, one of the other workers saw him and shouted, "Hey, Joe! You don't need a brick - they have toilet paper!"

Happiness

Women

Wise words

Exactly

75 storey sky scrapper

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill

stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Revenge gone wrong

I have three brothers, when we were kids we used to travel to the coast and stay in a caravan. This particular time I was around 8 years old.

Two of my brothers came with me, one younger and one older, we were accompanied by my grandmother (who incidentally was in her 60's at the time)

Anyway, one of the days a fight broke out between us, and I decided to seek my revenge on my two brothers.

I carefully emptied the sugar bowl into the trash and refilled it with table salt, and waited.

The next morning we all got up for breakfast and nan asked us what we wanted. I wanted cooked breakfast, and the others wanted cereal. My plan was working perfectly. She put the cereal in the bowls, filled the bowls up with milk and sprinkled sugar (or so she thought) over the breakfast cereal. It was going to be perfect.

Then things started to go wrong. She then boiled the kettle and started to make a cup of tea............with 2 sugars

Before either of my brothers could eat a spoonful, she drank a great big glug of the tea (salted). Her face screwed up like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Things didn't really go down to well after that.

She is now in her late 80's, and when I see her these days, she can still remember that cup of tea - so can I.

Looking for a man to draw with chalk

Believe it or Not

Grandma in court

Lawyers should never ask a Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand... a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you haven't got the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state... not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died on the spot.

The judge asked both counselors to approached the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said... "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

The Elderly man on a Moped.

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a Doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.... But I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you ?"

The old man whispers,

"Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"  

The Treasure Guard

We all grew up listening to various tales about expeditions to unearth hidden treasures. The brave treasure-hunters had to cross daunting seas, fend off hideous monsters and make a lot of sacrifices just to get to the treasure trove. But in order to attain it, they had to face their wildest nightmare- the treasure guards. They were a group of fierce and brutal warriors whose only purpose was to prevent the treasure from falling into the wrong hands. Absolutely dedicated to their cause, they would readily give up their lives to protect the treasure.

No, I’m definitely not going to tell you another boring “once upon a time” fable. As the times have evolved, our perception of treasure in modern times has certainly become less glamorous. The fierce guardians have become non-existent. But we actually encounter treasure chests and the guards on a daily basis- we just don’t notice- or rather- the lack of grandeur blinds us.

It was 4 pm on a fine Thursday when I left home. I had promised my cousin that I would pick him up from school at sharp 3:30 and take him to his favourite ice cream parlour. The first installment of my internship salary had been credited and I had been blackmailed by mom to donate the first 100 rupees as an offering in the nearby temple. I rushed to the ATM to take out cash and as I swung open the door, it hit the security guard. I mumbled a half-hearted apology, withdrew the amount and came out. As I was about to get on my bike, I noticed the blank expression on his face. I don’t know what prompted me but I dismounted, went to him and asked “I am very sorry sir, Did it hurt?”

His reaction shocked me. He hugged me and started sobbing uncontrollably. After somehow managing to soothe and pry him away, I had a good look at him. His face was criss-crossed with wrinkles making him look terribly old. His frame was terribly lean, as though desperately needing a support. His uniform was dirty and he badly needed a clean-up.

I proceeded to ask him the reason for his tears. He replied, “So many people hit me accidentally and pass, many say sorry and pass by, it’s the first time that someone has gotten out of his vehicle to apologise to me. I’m just used to being snubbed and ignored by people who come here.”

“Why are you working even though you are so old?” was my shameless remark. He looked at me firmly in the eye and said, “I need to survive, son. I have a crippled daughter to look after. I used to be a driver but now my eyes are failing me and my reflexes are not so sharp. What other job will I get at this age?”

I probed further, “Who looks after your daughter when you are away?” The guard could hardly believe that I was taking so much interest in his case and meekly replied, “My last employers gifted her a wheelchair when I left them. She has learned to manage herself. But still I have to work 18 hrs a day, and God looks after her then.”

I automatically took out the first 100 rupee note from my internship amount- I had promised to make an offering in the temple first before doing anything with the money- and put it into his pocket. He refused to accept it and tried to thrust it back into my hand. I told him categorically that I would not budge from that place till he accepted it. I told him that it was a gift of affection and that I would be severely offended by his refusal.

No one wins an argument with me. He finally resigned and accepted it. The amount must be more than his wage for the day. “I have guarded this treasure chest day and night for so many months, yet I have never got a single note from this. God bless you, I will buy a chocolate for my daughter with this and tell her that I met a gentleman today.”

None of the lines that I’ve read on economic equality and class struggles by Lenin, Guevara, Marx or Engels came to my mind then. Just the flashing image of my dad who still works post-retirement for the sake of his only son.

I immediately touched the guard’s feet, his efforts to stop me in vain. As I rose, I made mental notes to lie to my mom about having made the offering and to my cousin about the heavy traffic delaying me. And as I walked away, I made sure to hide the tear in my eye from his gaze.