Grandma in court

Lawyers should never ask a Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand... a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you haven't got the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state... not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died on the spot.

The judge asked both counselors to approached the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said... "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

The Elderly man on a Moped.

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a Doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.... But I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you ?"

The old man whispers,

"Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"  

The Treasure Guard

We all grew up listening to various tales about expeditions to unearth hidden treasures. The brave treasure-hunters had to cross daunting seas, fend off hideous monsters and make a lot of sacrifices just to get to the treasure trove. But in order to attain it, they had to face their wildest nightmare- the treasure guards. They were a group of fierce and brutal warriors whose only purpose was to prevent the treasure from falling into the wrong hands. Absolutely dedicated to their cause, they would readily give up their lives to protect the treasure.

No, I’m definitely not going to tell you another boring “once upon a time” fable. As the times have evolved, our perception of treasure in modern times has certainly become less glamorous. The fierce guardians have become non-existent. But we actually encounter treasure chests and the guards on a daily basis- we just don’t notice- or rather- the lack of grandeur blinds us.

It was 4 pm on a fine Thursday when I left home. I had promised my cousin that I would pick him up from school at sharp 3:30 and take him to his favourite ice cream parlour. The first installment of my internship salary had been credited and I had been blackmailed by mom to donate the first 100 rupees as an offering in the nearby temple. I rushed to the ATM to take out cash and as I swung open the door, it hit the security guard. I mumbled a half-hearted apology, withdrew the amount and came out. As I was about to get on my bike, I noticed the blank expression on his face. I don’t know what prompted me but I dismounted, went to him and asked “I am very sorry sir, Did it hurt?”

His reaction shocked me. He hugged me and started sobbing uncontrollably. After somehow managing to soothe and pry him away, I had a good look at him. His face was criss-crossed with wrinkles making him look terribly old. His frame was terribly lean, as though desperately needing a support. His uniform was dirty and he badly needed a clean-up.

I proceeded to ask him the reason for his tears. He replied, “So many people hit me accidentally and pass, many say sorry and pass by, it’s the first time that someone has gotten out of his vehicle to apologise to me. I’m just used to being snubbed and ignored by people who come here.”

“Why are you working even though you are so old?” was my shameless remark. He looked at me firmly in the eye and said, “I need to survive, son. I have a crippled daughter to look after. I used to be a driver but now my eyes are failing me and my reflexes are not so sharp. What other job will I get at this age?”

I probed further, “Who looks after your daughter when you are away?” The guard could hardly believe that I was taking so much interest in his case and meekly replied, “My last employers gifted her a wheelchair when I left them. She has learned to manage herself. But still I have to work 18 hrs a day, and God looks after her then.”

I automatically took out the first 100 rupee note from my internship amount- I had promised to make an offering in the temple first before doing anything with the money- and put it into his pocket. He refused to accept it and tried to thrust it back into my hand. I told him categorically that I would not budge from that place till he accepted it. I told him that it was a gift of affection and that I would be severely offended by his refusal.

No one wins an argument with me. He finally resigned and accepted it. The amount must be more than his wage for the day. “I have guarded this treasure chest day and night for so many months, yet I have never got a single note from this. God bless you, I will buy a chocolate for my daughter with this and tell her that I met a gentleman today.”

None of the lines that I’ve read on economic equality and class struggles by Lenin, Guevara, Marx or Engels came to my mind then. Just the flashing image of my dad who still works post-retirement for the sake of his only son.

I immediately touched the guard’s feet, his efforts to stop me in vain. As I rose, I made mental notes to lie to my mom about having made the offering and to my cousin about the heavy traffic delaying me. And as I walked away, I made sure to hide the tear in my eye from his gaze.